Dying to Be Men: Patriarchy, Fatherhood and South Africa’s Male Mental Health Crisis

Society has become adept at counting dead men; we count them when they are murdered. We count them when they die in mines, construction accidents, and wars; we count them when they become victims of crime. Yet surprisingly when men die by their own hand, society suddenly becomes quiet. Nearly 80% of all suicides in the country are committed by men, everyday, approximately 23 South Africans die by suicide and around 230 attempt it. The Average number of suicides reported in one year is 13 774; 10 861 were men whilst 2 913 were women. South Africa’s suicide rate stands at roughly 24 deaths per 100 000 people, placing it amongst the countries with the highest suicide burdens in the world. For men, the rate climbs to almost 38 per 100 000, this is not a marginal number it rather points to a possible crisis that remains largely invisible.

Recognising the challenges faced by men does not diminish the challenges faced by women as they continue to confront gender-based violence, economic exclusion, discrimination and unequal care burdens. These realities remain urgent and demand action; however, acknowledging the plight of men should not come at the expense of acknowledging the suffering of women. Both are shaped, in different ways, by the same rigid patriarchal system that confines women and men to narrow expectations and denies both the freedom to live fully human lives.

In a few days South Africa will celebrate Father’s Day charecterised by speeches about responsible fathers. There will be calls for men to be present in the lives of their children and appeals for tangible social cohesion that fosters stronger families. Whilst all of this is undoubtedly necessary; the most important question remains unasked. What happens when the fathers we expect to lead families are themselves in crisis?

The Lie We Tell Boys and Patriarchy’s Broken Promises

The dominant explanation for male suicide is that men do not ask for help, while true, it is an explanation so shallow that it borders on intellectual laziness. Men are not born, incapable of expressing emotion; they are taught, socialized from childhood that tears are weakness, vulnerability is weakness, fear is weakness, dependence is weakness, and asking for help is weakness. By adulthood, many men have become prisoners of a performance they never consciously chose a performance we aptly term as masculinity (toxic).

Patriarchy undoubtedly harms women. It fuels gender-based violence, exclusion and inequality. However, patriarchy also imposes impossible expectations on men, it tells them that they must always be providers, even when jobs disappear. It tells men they must always be strong, even when they are breaking. It tells men they must never need help, even when help could save their lives.

Patriarchy promises men power but burdens them with impossible expectations; it promises status but increasingly leaves many men feeling disposable. Ulitmately the tragedy is that patriarchy has successful coaxed men into defending an idea of masculinity that is actively destroying them. The result is a generation of men carrying loneliness, trauma, anxiety and depression in silence. Research increasingly shows that men who strongly identify with ideals of toughness, emotional restraint, dominance and self-reliance are significantly less likely to seek help and more likely to suffer in silence. Rather than asking why men do not speak, we should ask why we expect anything different after generations of socialising them to believe that real men suffer in silence.

When Unemployment Becomes a Crisis of Identity

Yet focusing only on masculinity or patriarchy misses another critical reality, South Africa’s male suicide trend should not be separated from conditions experienced by men in South Africa’s economy. Fatherhood and manhood were fused together through a single expectation that a good father provides, a good husband provides. and a good man provides. Everything else is seeming secondary.

Children rarely define fatherhood the way that adults in society do; children remember encouragement, affection, and guidance, most importantly children remember who was there. The father who walks his child to school every morning despite being unemployed is fathering. The father who comforts a frightened child at night is fathering. The father who attends school meetings is fathering. The father who teaches values, discipline and self-belief is fathering.

Despite this financial provision continues to dominate how fatherhood is understood, men are judged primarily through their ability to earn rather than their ability to nurture, guide, support and care. Numerous pressures plaguing the economy have diminished its capacity to provide jobs for millions of men; resulting in millions of men waking up every morning trapped between two realities. The first tells them that their worth depends on their ability to provide financially; the second denies them the opportunity to do so. This contradiction sits at the centre of modern South African masculinity.

Fatherhood in South Africa remains trapped inside an outdated economic script that men have internalised so completely that they no longer distinguish between economic failure and personal failure. As result losing a job or being unemployed becomes losing dignity, financial hardship and instability becomes shame. Ultimately the inability to provide becomes evidence that one has failed as not only as a man but also as a father.

A Father’s Day Message for South Africa

Daily fathers, sons, brothers, husbands and friends are lost to a crisis that remains largely invisible, behind every statistic is a family left grieving, children growing up without fathers, and communities and families carrying wounds that often remain unspoken. Behind South Africa’s male suicide rate lies a profound crisis of mental health, identity, dignity and belonging.

This Fathers’ Day must therefore be a moment of reflection and a call to action for both men and society at large. Men must break the silence around depression, anxiety, loneliness, trauma and despair, and recognise that asking for help is an act of courage rather than weakness. Society, in turn, must create spaces where these conversations can take place honestly and without judgment. Progressive platforms such as ACTIVATE! Change Drivers demonstrate the importance of creating spaces where young people can engage difficult questions of masculinity, mental health, economic exclusion and social change.

This Father’s Day, South Africa must choose a different path: one that challenges harmful ideas of masculinity, confronts the social and economic conditions that drive despair, and reminds every father, son and brother that their lives have value, their struggles deserve compassion, and their futures remain worthy of hope.

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About the Author:

JR Sebsatian is a researcher and policy analyst with interests in labour policy, economic justice, and democratic development. He contributes to the Activate! Change Drivers Writers Hub, a platform of the Activate! Change Drivers network dedicated to youth thought leadership, civic engagement, and social transformation.